Today, I wanted to share my thoughts.
⚠️ Important
For these writing exercises, I only use established music artists with a professional platform. This is how I feel somewhat safe.
Sorry if you notice something strange like incomplete sentences or anything weird.
Interviews
⭐First, Progress Update⭐
I'm sticking with my plan. Watch calm interviews for slow exposure.
I was able to watch the Caskets interview in one session, but I paused it a lot. I used my grounding techniques and waited until I was calm again.
Question
I've been given the question why don't I use bands with female vocalists (due to my C-PTSD). I'm a huge fan of Spiritbox, Paramore, Evanescence, Against The Current.
By the way…. I really love the song End of Us featuring Amy Lee, Poppy, and Courtney Laplante!!! I have always loved Amy Lee. I've always been so inspired by her 😻.
Amy Lee and Hatsune Miku have both been major inspirations. How could I forget Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Alina Grosu (Ukrainian Singer), Haruka Kurebayashi (model), Klava Koka (Russian Singer), Hayley Williams (Paramore), and Emilie Autumn 😻.
But there's a reason why I have been using bands… the band members are all the same gender… it's just something…. I know I've been sharing personal things, but I don't know how to explain this.
Moving On…
I often can't express myself the way I would like to. Many times, I don't know how to word things right.
I couldn't stop thinking about Matt Flood's interview with Roguenjosh. It's something about… it's so hard for me to word this right. Having the transcript helps me process what I heard.
…Okay, there's this part around 9:10. I'm having trouble with expressing myself today. However, I really wanted to try.
So I'll do it like this…
There was a question about regulating emotions…
Maybe without trying to repeat word for word, I can express something else.
…Hearing Matt's response felt pretty deep and gave me a different perspective on the people or whatever behind the music I love so much. I went back to my other writing exercise that discusses how music artists… basically, how they use music to process, cope and possibly go through their own healing journey.
I think this is going back to my belief, everyone needs to find their best way to heal. This isn't just for the survivor community, but for everyone. “Experts” always tell us you must follow their personal opinions to heal the right way. There's no right or wrong way.
😅 Thinking about myself, I guess there are unhealthy ways to cope with emotional distress. This is why I am happy to have music now.
That interview stayed with me. This is why I think doing my new plan may help me with my fear. I think maybe I can finally watch videos like this without pausing them.
There was another interview I ran across. Ryan Clark from Demon Hunter was interviewed by Heavy Music Artwork.
This interview is a challenge since it's a lot longer than Caskets’ interview.
I mentioned each interaction (even just watching a video) feels like a traumatic experience and I need to recover from it. So, the interview with Matt, I'm very happy with my progress but it wasn't easy. I'm going to start this interview and post about it later.
I don't mean to write this so scattered, but I briefly… I just watched a few minutes of… I'm sorry.
A video was sent to me. It was…. Bring Me The Horizon… I'm unsure if it was an interview or not. I'll ask if my family could share the video again…
Maybe next time I'll be able to write better.
I didn't write this in order. This was written last.
But for sure, I would like to share it in a new exercise. I wanted to share this particular video because it also expressed to deep…. I don't know I'm sorry.
But I did see Bring Me The Horizon have a ton of interviews. Okay, I'll stop trying now.
💭 Today's musings inspired me...
I thought about my new online presence going forward.
This is all so new to me, showing vulnerability and sharing with others.
I guess I'm still stuck in survival mode, and this has been a part of my identity. I guess survival still fits Tikaani Moon.
I'll elaborate on this later, but encountering that Anesthesiologist changed everything. It shook me to the core.
I know others aren't used to seeing this side of me. A more vulnerable side. A softer side.
I try so hard to not give him the satisfaction of seeing me suffer, but… being a slave, I've been subjected to all kinds of horrible humiliation, abuse and even torture.
I never tried acting tough. When someone spends their life in this environment, they grow numb. This is why I wasn't afraid. That's why I didn't react and I didn't care….
I have to end this now… 🥲 this is driving me crazy…. He's driving me insane…
😅 Right, the interviews (Caskets and older Demon Hunter interview) inspired me to reevaluate how I see strength…
I just think Caskets, BMTH, and Demon Hunter are inspiring bands. This is what encouraged me to write this…
Seeing them share makes me realize it's okay to do that.
Concerns…
I didn't realize my song choices in my last exercise was alarming. I have been getting help trying to balance my music.
The combination of songs must've been too heavy. I believe the Darkest Moment Playlist expresses the extreme emotions I feel.
I know I keep getting recommendations here to use RAINN… my case is apparently too violent for them to handle.
They were actually horrified and inexperienced.
I'm going to use healthy alternatives… music.
🙅♀️🔪✂️💊
Today's Playlist
I mentioned Lost in Echoes (Caskets) was where I got ideas for my streaming and “safe” room. It gave my room a more… fitting pop like these remixes. Maybe it's the anime figurines and wall decor.
With today's playlist, I can forget everything and go into my own world… A mix of kawaii and rock.
Thanks For Reading!!!
…Thinking of a cute wolf pup…. Thinking of calm thoughts….